Whether you want to play a stripper, a plumber, or someone's cousin, here's a guide on how to fully embrace and sell yourself and your fantasies to your partner.
Whether you've dabbled in it yourself or not, you're probably familiar with some classic role-play scenarios - the pizza delivery boy and the enthusiastic housewife, the charming nurse and the compliant patient, the strict teacher and the naughty student. There's a reason these fantasies persist: There's an undeniable temptation to step outside your own identity and immerse yourself in an entirely different character. Especially those that exploit power dynamics – but we’ll get into that later.
Let’s start with the basics: What exactly is roleplaying? It's "a fictional private game for creative adults designed for intimacy, pleasure, joy, and sometimes (but not always) hot sex."
While role play certainly includes activities such as intercourse, oral sex, using sex toys and orgasm, it can also take many forms. This could include pretending to be a skilled masseuse and giving your partner a thorough massage, posing with cat ears while playfully chasing yarn, or even doing it to your partner while wearing Oliva's Pope-style power suit Naughty spanking.
Role-playing is a tool for breaking through constraints. You can express different character traits than usual, create suspense, and liberate yourself from the sexual constraints of who you think you 'should' be and what you 'should' do. In essence, role play allows individuals to explore themselves. Aspects that may not be easy to express in daily life.
In my personal experience, role play does more than just feed my imagination, it is a means of maintaining my full attention during intimate moments. For those who are struggling with negative body image, gender dysphoria, PTSD, ADHD, or other issues that impact their ability to stay grounded during sexual encounters, employing characters and scenarios can provide a focused and immersive escape. It's hard to focus or get distracted when you're wearing a cowboy hat and speaking your best fake Southern accent.
Taking on a new role and committing to playing a different role can be an exciting experience, but the question remains: How do you do it? What exactly should you say or do? Don't worry, whether you're channeling your stripper charms, plumber skills, or playing someone's cousin, there are plenty of ways to effectively market yourself and keep your partner immersed in your fantasy.
How do you choose the roles and scenes to play?
Choosing a roleplay scenario and character can be an exciting part of the process. Once you and one or more of your partners have agreed to explore role-playing, brainstorm the characters you each want to embody. If you're not sure where to start, consider a situation involving a power dynamic where one person has authority over others. For example, a Best Buy manager and their new employee, a doctor and her patient, or alien abductors and their human abductees could all provide interesting starting points.
It may be particularly tempting to start with the power differential in role play. Unbalanced power dynamics present opportunities for us to embrace authority that is not readily available in our daily lives, or to relinquish control as we seek to escape daily responsibilities. For example, if you have a leadership role at work, the opportunity to follow your partner's instructions as a submissive apprentice can be refreshing and exciting.
Choosing familiar power dynamics also sets the stage for a “follow the leader” dynamic. If one or more participants feel shy or hesitant, they can willingly cede power to a more confident person, allowing them to play the role of teacher, boss or even evil stepmother. Of course, even dominant people can feel shy! Often, however, the less self-aware person may choose to take the lead role, which involves more verbal communication and helps everyone ease into the scene.
Your roleplay scenario doesn't have to follow a specific power dynamic; maybe certain scenes, situations, or characters ignite your desire, like a park ranger date behind a tree, the thrill of sex on an airplane, or being inspired by A League of Their Own Inspiring scenes. The beauty of roleplaying is the freedom to be any age, gender, and travel through any space or time.
Or, you can choose to be yourself and embody different aspects of your own identity. Whether it's reimagining the moment you "lost your virginity" or pretending to meet your long-term partner for the first time during a spontaneous one-night stand, the possibilities are endless.
When you're brainstorming, it's important to recognize that your life experiences determine what turns you on and what doesn't, and the same goes for your partner. One person’s ‘sexy taboo’ may be another person’s trauma trigger. ” Scenes involving speeding stops involving drivers and authority figures such as highway police officers may be appealing to some, but disturbing to others who are grappling with the reality of police violence.
How do you set boundaries before role playing?
Before role playing, it's crucial to establish clear boundaries with your partner, along with regular discussions about STIs, pregnancy prevention, and consent. Sex educators recommend asking each other the following questions to ensure mutual understanding:
- “What do you think you look and sound like when you’re having fun?”
- “What would I see and hear if playing [this character] was terrible or boring?”
This helps establish cues for when scenes that represent your pre-planned character interactions are working well or require redirection.
Additionally, it’s beneficial to outline the overall storyline of the scene ahead of time. For example, "I'm your babysitter and I catch you masturbating, and then I have to spank you." This ensures that everyone involved is on the same page and knows what to expect. Don’t forget to choose a safe word that you can use to stop the scene immediately. Many people in the kink community find it effective to use traffic light colors, with "yellow" meaning "slow down" and "red" meaning "stop everything now." This communication is critical to a safe and enjoyable role-playing experience.
How to role play?
Enhancing your role-playing experience can involve using costumes or toys to help you fully embody your character. For example, if you're playing a nurse, the feel and smell of latex gloves can immerse you in the atmosphere of a real doctor's office. Items such as braces, bras or strap-ons can help express and embody different genders.
While some forms of role-playing may involve minimal dialogue, such as imitating mating wolves, most scenes rely on dialogue to establish character and advance the scene. Develop common words or phrases for your characters ("Yes, Mistress," "Good boy," "Thank you, Dad") and feel free to incorporate them, especially if speech doesn't come naturally. If you're looking for inspiration for a character's dialogue, explore movies, TV shows, and books that feature the language and characters you want.
It's important to remember that it's totally okay to break character. "This is not professional theatre," so there's no need to force yourself to be fully immersed from the get-go. Doesn't it feel a bit ridiculous? This shows you're on the right track - fully committed to the role.
When struggling with self-consciousness, especially when taking on a dominant role, consider positioning yourself behind your partner or incorporating a blindfold into the scene. This approach can alleviate concerns about looking stupid, providing a way to fully engage in role play without unnecessary distractions.
How to provide aftercare?
Returning to reality after immersing yourself in a role-play scenario, even if it involves pretending to be a golden retriever, can present challenges. It’s not uncommon to feel tired, irritable, or self-doubtful after a shoot. Additionally, despite the positive nature of the scene, any lingering feelings of guilt or shame can cloud the experience.
This emphasizes the importance of aftercare, a broad term that covers the support provided to each other after an intense kink scene or sexual encounter. Aftercare practices may include physical caresses, sharing water and snacks, offering words of affirmation, or giving each other space, depending on personal preference. It’s critical to prioritize communication and debriefing scenarios, even days later, to discuss what worked and what didn’t, ensuring you can incorporate feedback into future meetings.
Embracing role-playing, especially in the early stages, may feel a little awkward, but that's totally okay. If your initial scenario doesn't work as expected, consider trying again with a new scenario or partner. The key is to keep exploring and experimenting, and maybe try playing the role of a Best Buy manager in your next meeting.